9.24.2009
political mumbo jumbo
We have this Sobik's subs shop in our building's lobby and the consensus among all living Americans is that it's a terrible terrible place. But I occasionally hop down there to grab a drink or a 5 Hour Energy or what have you, although I hate myself for contributing to keep that terrible place afloat.
Anyhow, this nice girl works there. And she's kinda terrible, but she's always nice. But today she was watching the news as she sold me my drink and made a comment about how President Obama is ruining the country. And I abstained from commenting until she asked "do you think our country is better off now than before?"
"Do I think we're better off under President Obama than under George Bush?" I clarified.
"Yes," she replied. She expected me to agree with her.
I was at a crossroads. See, I don't mind an opposing opinion. I accept that not everyone shares my views on social issues, government spending, taxes, etc. But what I HATE is a misinformed opinion. And this girl was just spouting off without having all the facts. So I thought to myself "Do I shut her down? Do I ruin her entire afternoon? Do I make her feel stupid? Think about how good it would feel to serve this poor girl right in the face." And I was going to go into a long-winded explanation about how Obama is investing in the American people where Geo Bush was throwing all our money into an unnecessary military conflict on the other side of the world. And how we were under a President who seeks not to enrich only himself and his allies, but all Americans. I was going to use the word "infrastructure," which she probably has never heard before. I wanted to ask about the health insurance offered by this particular Sobik's franchise. I was going to be nice but a little rude and condescending. I was going to leave her speechless. But I was the better man.
"Yes," I replied as I walked out. Even in the elevator I had to stop myself from going back to shut her down. Even after I had been back to work on this tax return for the next ten minutes, I still had to fight the urge to enlighten her. But I am over it. For now. She better watch herself next time I'm down there.
7.02.2009
anesthesia amnesia
I had my wisdom teeth pulled eleven years ago. When the anesthesia began to kick in the nurse asked me to count backwards from one hundred and I distinctly remember making it to ninety-seven before I passed out.
When the procedure was over I woke up silly from the anesthesia and started crying. But it wasn't out of pain or sadness, it was just my reaction to the medicine. The nurse tried to calm me by making conversation.
"Where do you go to school?" she asked.
"Illinois State University," I sobbed. I was in great spirits despite my hysterics.
So yesterday I had another procedure which required anesthesia. It was the first time I've needed it since my wisdom teeth operation and I was worried about another crybaby fit, as it would probably be less attractive on a 29 year old man than an 18 year old boy.
Fortunately when I awoke I wasn't crying, but that's not to say I didn't have a new set of weirdness. The first thing I remember is popping my head up and asking where the anesthesiologist went.
"He's good lookin," I told the nurse. Which is embarrassing for so many reasons, one of them being that the last thing I saw before I passed out was his wedding ring. One nurse looked at me like "did he just say that?" while the other let out a laugh. The funny part is that I could see him at the nurses' station. I wonder if he heard me. Regardless, I'm sure someone mentioned it to him.
Then the nurse showed me a picture of what they took out.
"Can I keep that picture?" I asked. She said they needed it for my file, but she could make me a copy. That's when I realized what a dumb request I'd just made. So I told her nevermind and agreed that it was a dumb request.
Finally she asked "has the doctor followed up with you yet?" "No," I responded. Because I had not seen the doctor yet. But another nurse insisted that he'd spoken to me about my followup appointment and that we went over the results of the procedure.
I have no recollection of speaking with the doctor. None whatsoever. So now the question becomes: What other zingers did I toss out before the point where my memory begins?
6.12.2009
you're so two thousand and kate
This is the headline on People.com right now:
They say it with a big exclamation point as if to say "watch them celebrate this wondrous event!" Like I'm going to click the link expecting to see "we sent our photographers to check up on the happy couple as they celebrate their love by renewing their vows over Niagara Falls!"
But no... it's going to be spent in separate states, or in cold silence on opposite ends of that terrible couch, or in the hospital after one of their dogs tears one of the kids' ears off, or in the hospital after Jon stabs one of Kate's bodyguard's ears off. Either way it'll probably be spent in a hospital.
The headline should read "It's Jon & Kate's 10th Anniversary. :("
Stay classy, People Magazine.
3.28.2009
script flip
The missionaries were downtown in full force this morning, distributing holy pamphlets and preaching to the homeless around Lake Eola. Two ladies hovered over one guy on a bench, preaching the ways of the Lord to him though he couldn't have been less interested. In fact, I'm not sure how he was supposed to hear them with his headphones on. But the women were persistent. They were talking to him when I showed up to walk my dog around the lake, and they were still with him when we left. I wonder what he was listening to on the headphones.
But my favorite scene was the man who decided to preach back to two other ladies. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son!" he said in his best Sunday preacher voice. The ladies were clearly freaked out and tried to walk away. "Don't you want to talk about the Lord?" he asked.
"Sure, but you're going to need to walk and talk," one of them replied. And so he did. It was kinda awesome seeing how uncomfortable they were. But I'm sure they were oblivious to the fact that they make most of the other people out there feel that exact same way!!!
12.29.2008
home for the holidays
I went back to Illinois from Saturday the 20th until Saturday the 27th. And as it turns out, Illinois is cold in the winter. Rrurrrl cold. It was -2 degrees last Sunday when I woke up. Then the sun came out and it was still -2 degrees. Then it was 3pm and it was still -2 degrees. Why didn't the sun warm the Earth!? And we're not talking -2 degrees windchill. This was the raw temperature.
All this freezing weather caused another strange phenomenon I never witnessed in my nineteen winters up north. Everything, and I mean everything, was coated with a sheet of ice. All the trees, all the streets and sidewalks, everything. And it was windy, so a big gust would come through and blow huge chunks of ice out of the trees. It sounded like a meteor shower was hitting my house and car. I feared for my safety amid the barrage of ice missiles from the night sky.
But despite the cold, I actually didn't get antsy about coming home until Friday morning. On Friday, by the way, the temperature had warmed to 50 degrees. This rapid warming effect caused an enormous blanket of fog on the ground that was so thick, no planes flew into the Central Illinois Regional Airport that day. And because no planes flew in, there were no outgoing planes to take me home on Saturday morning. But I still went to the airport at 5:30a, where the desk agents had already activated their Anti-Customer Shields. So I was trying to get on a standby flight later that morning, but they were giving me the usual "we're overbooked on that flight" canned response and asked if I wanted to reschedule on their next open flight (which leaves this Wednesday). But I was one step ahead of them since I've been on the phone with a call center reservations agent that morning, and I happened to know that they were only booked to capacity, not overbooked as he'd so casually claimed. As soon as I brought that small fact into the light, he abandoned the "overbooked" argument.
So I asked again about standby and the agent was oblivious. He was like "Standby? Is that the movie with Wil Wheaton and the leeches?" I calmly explained the concept of a standby flight to the guy and he was very hesitant. "Well, I guess you can go wait at the gate but there's no guarantee you'll get on the flight."
"Yes sir. I'm familiar with the concept, but it's a risk I'm willing to take."
And wouldn't you know I did get that standby flight, which turned out to be a direct route instead of my original Atlanta layover trip. And bonus - I got a seat in business class! So I guess it wasn't all bad. It just shows that perseverance and a preemptive call to the reservations call center will go a long way.
6.18.2008
how romantic?
Wow, Yahoo.com! A little presumptuous about these gentlemens' bedroom behavior, aren't we? I showed this to Todd, and he argued that he was a little put off because the hand underneath looks more dominant.
5.13.2008
training day
Greetings from Dallas, Texas. A coworker and I are here for the week to learn about income tax preparation software. It's the second trip we've taken this year - we spent a few days in San Diego in January learning about property tax preparation software.
I have a few observations about training classes. Or more specifically, the training class attendant archetypes. These people in my class are identical to the people who showed up to my San Diego course, and I have reason to believe they show up each and every day in training classes across the nation.
First we have Pointless Question Guy. His hand shoots into the air every three or four minutes, followed by a question about some small detail the trainer just gave. The detail doesn't matter, his question doesn't matter, and you can see pain and annoyance under the trainer's forced smile knowing that she's going to have to derail her lesson yet again to answer his stupid question. He wasted a total of 45 minutes of class time this morning.
And then there's Over Your Head Tangent Guy. He will latch on to something the trainer says, and then go into a topic that is far beyond anything we're learning in this class. Often times, this topic is incredibly specific to something he's encountered in his own job but that the rest of the class will never see. I can't tell whether he is trying to show off his intelligence or he just signed up for the wrong course.
Finally, there's The Trainer. She's actually very nice and I have nothing bad to say about her, but all trainers begin their course with what they call "housekeeping items." This is mandatory vocabulary for all trainers in every class. "Housekeeping items" include the locations of the break room and bathrooms.
Oh and I'm getting sick again, just like I did in San Diego. That's the other training class constant.
5.08.2008
self appointed food critic
I work in a large office in Downtown Orlando, and while my office is only a mile from my home, I frequently eat lunch at one of the many local restaurants. When I have a good dining experience, I always want to share it with my co-workers. So starting today, I've appointed myself to the position of "Payday Food Critic." I'm a dork.
Here is the email I sent to some of my coworkers today after lunch:
Name: Panchero's Mexican GrillI think I'm going to send one every payday (every two weeks). Because if being a nerd who shares his food opinions with coworkers who probably don't care is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Location: Church Street Marketplace behind the SunTrust Building
Price: I had a big burrito and drink for under $8. I assume tacos or quesadillas would cost less.
It's a Tex-Mex taco/burrito walk-up-and-order restaurant very similar to Moe's & Chipotle. And while I've eaten both Moe's & Chipotle more times than I care to admit, the Panchero's burrito I ate for lunch today was comparable (maybe even better) to anything I've had from either of them. And bonus - you don't have to drive there for lunch (like I do to Moe's or Chipotle far too often).
The Panchero's folks press your tortilla while you're ordering, so it's guaranteed fresh. Then once all the ingredients are down, they mix them up so they are spread evenly throughout the burrito. I can't tell you how many times I've taken a big bite out of my Chipotle burrito only to get a mouthful of tortilla and lettuce.
Plus the atmosphere is lively, unlike that snoresville that is the Cool Blue Burrito stand in the Solaire building across the street. My apologies if any of you enjoy or own stock in that place, but I've tried it a few times and it's as boring as all get-out. I had lunch there one day last week and almost fell asleep face-down in my bland burrito.
So if you're in the mood for a quick, inexpensive Tex-Mex lunch, I recommend Panchero's. If you're suffering from insomnia and craving a taste-free taco, Cool Blue is the place for you.
