boooblog

...your uncle spends Thanksgiving dinner in the other room watching Jeff Foxworthy and yelling his lines between bites of stuffing and fits of hysterical laughter into the dining room for the family to hear. I shouldn't complain, though. Thankfully I was spared from having to listen to Alice's Restaurant yet one more time, and the family is finally, after 23 years, starting to come around to the fact that I eat ketchup on my turkey.

Last night was the annual "class reunion," where all of the people with whom I went to high school gather at various bars for the sole purpose of my friends and I gathering round to make fun of how fat they have become. I did learn one important lesson: When coerced into doing some extremely drunken karaoke at a little bar in small town Illinois, don't choose to sing a George Michael song. It comes across a little gay.

Now I'm heading to my dad's house for dinner part deux. I'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't bring home another drunken whore this year who wants to set me up with her ugly daughter. However, if she has a hot son...

This Tuesday the boyfriend will be meeting the sister, the best friend's mom (my second mom), and various friends during our trip back to good ole Illinois. So that the real mom wouldn't wonder why I wasn't home those two days, I had the sister sit her down and explain what was going on.

"Whatever," said the mom.

That's the best she could do. According to my sister, she said it no less than eight times.

"Whatever."

Cuz this is my mom's United States Of Whatever.

I've been sick since Thursday. My coughing can be heard seven towns away. I'm fairly sure I have SARS.

Also, one week until the boyfriend meets the family.

Certain words and phrases used daily by the retards that surround me and were once funny but now are more like gravel on my eardrums:

Target (pronounced Tar-Jay): This was funny sometime around the Reagan Administration. Everyone knows that the new way to refer to Target is the Bullseye Boutique.

the short bus: If I have to fake a laugh every time my uncle or some attorney in my firm uses this word to describe a retarded person, all the while looking at me and nodding and just waiting to see if I got the joke, I'll snatch their weaves.

Our housekeeper has bronchitis, so we had to bring in some temps today. I just came home from yet another 27 mile rollerblade-a-thon, only to find that my two day old loaf of bread had been thrown away.

"It was covered in mold," I was able to ascertain through her thick puertorriqueño accent.

I smacked her across the face with the back of my hand and screamed "don't let it happen again!!" Well ok no I didn't, but part of me wants to go mix some peanut butter and jelly in a bowl and eat it with a spoon while she watches.

I just rollerbladed 27 miles. That's an entire marathon.

Never let a drunk man near a computer. Excerpts from my chat with Dave last night:

Me: alcohol update: since I left, I've drank more than half of 1/5 of Ketel One

going for another huge glass nowe

a few minutes later

soi mnuch vodak

Dave: you should mix it with some vodka

Me: actually we have there raspenery mixzwers
it's really hof
good

much later

sooooooooo durnk
goin to lava
rob is drivinf snce I "m so rdrnu
even thoguh its';s 2 miles away
goopd nmgiht and happy halkwopneee

Dave: Happy halkwopneee to you too, Josh. happy halkwopneee.

I never made it to Lava. There's a bloody wound on my head where I hit it on the side of my desk. It's been a halkwopneee to remember.