9.22.2004
phobia
Today sucks. We have a new girl at work who has been here only three days and she is already giving me orders. My printer is broken. But it all pales in comparison to what happened to me just five short minutes ago:
The faint sound from the steady stream of water flowing into the urinal had just begun when I heard the harsh buzzing noise. "It must be the lights," I thought to myself. Looking over to the sink I saw that it wasn't exactly the light, but the giant pterodactyl-sized wasp flying around the light over the sink. Let me interrupt by reminding you that I am scared of every being in nature that isn't a human. This includes dogs, spiders, snakes, babies, and anything from the bee family.
Thinking quickly, I "squeezed it off" and stepped back from the urinal. "Should I run into the hall, penis in hand, yelling to my coworkers that there is a deadly wasp circling me in the bathroom?" I thought to myself. Evaluating the value of my job versus the imminent danger of the flying beast, I instead shuffled over into a nearby stall (having tied it into a temporary knot) and finished off my business without ever looking at the bowl. I wrapped up my business and, skipping the handwashing, did a couple stealth somersaults across the bathroom floor and out the door, trapping the monster while I went to fetch some Raid.
Look for NBC Universal Pictures "The Stall" starring Colin Farrell in Summer 2005.
9.10.2004
get real
I'm constantly worrying about eviction. Getting fired is a weekly concern for me. Or just being eliminated altogether. Well not me personally, but people like Brad and Lew, Chip and Kim, Karen and Jennifer. Friends of mine? Well, no. But I'm addicted to these people! It's like heroin!
So in case you are in the dark about my crazy ramblings, I am talking about Reality TV. It's not exactly a brand new phenomenon but it is one which, after five or so years of resistance on my part, has finally reeled me in. And by "reeled me in," I mean I am addicted to one of them. Only by "one of them," I mean two of them... OK four of them. Four of them!!
So in addition to my 20 hours of work and 14 hours of school each week, I now have a firm commitment to The Apprentice, The Complex: Malibu, The Amazing Race and three weekly episodes of Big Brother. I forsee friends, co-workers and classmates waiting for me one day when I get home only to have a tearful intervention during which they force me to smash my DVR box with an aluminum baseball bat. I need help.
